Acceleration: Parenting in a Fast-moving World

I don’t own a Toyota car. Never have—no special reason, just never have. These days, however, I am glad that I am not dealing with a car that can accelerate out of control.

Imagine starting off on a routine drive, only to find yourself careening down the highway with your children in the back seat, unable to stop your car. Unthinkable. Horrifying.

Sometimes being a parent can feel like you are in an out-of-control car. Each stage of growth and development brings its own set of issues and challenges. How do parents find their way through these issues and challenges while needing to…continuing to…steer the family?

God provides all that we need to be the person God means us to be. God also surrounds us with all the resources we need to be effective parents. We are to live boldly, and openly seek out those resources that can support us as God’s children, and as parents of our own children.

Are you living up to God’s loving expectation for you?
What kind of example do you set for your children?
Does your life as a parent feel out of control?
Who inspires you to be a better parent?

Toyota advises drivers to shift into neutral when they find the accelerator stuck. Good general advice for life! This week, when family issues threaten to send you careening, shift into neutral: find a quiet time and space and spend some time with God. Give thanks for your life and ask God to reveal to you the people and resources you need to be fully the person God intends, and the loving parent your children deserve.

Amen.

Two resources that can help support the spiritual growth of your family are available from The LOGOS Ministry: LOGOS @Home [$9.95 for 52 sessions for family nights; go to http://www.thelogosstore.org] and the FREE heartfelt online newsletter [monthly; sign up at http://www.thelogosministry.org/heartfelt.html].

Enduring Pain

Finding the balance between responding to tragedy and compassion fatigue

It’s been two weeks since the earthquake in Haiti. Images of injured, hungry and homeless people still fill the nightly news. PSA’s, fund-raisers and telethons invite us to keep helping, to keep sending money.

I must confess that last week, I wept over each news report—this week, I have begun to avoid the news altogether.

It is almost too much to watch or think about, especially as we each go about our own daily routines, handling our own daily challenges, even though those challenges may be much less frightening or enduring than those of the people of Haiti. And Haiti is only one place that is full of suffering today.

How should you respond when faced with tragic and overwhelming events? Before you begin to help others:

• Take care of yourself physically. This includes eating nourishing food, getting enough sleep, doing mild exercise.

• Increase the time you spend with family members. Play together. Go for a walk together. Work on a household project together. Take time to appreciate each other with smiles and hugs and words of appreciation.

• Talk with other adults, which will help lessen your feelings of isolation and anxiety. This also provides a “reality check” on your reactions, helping you realize that your feelings are normal. Talking with others also helps bring feelings of helplessness or fear you may be experiencing back to reasonable parameters.

• Spend time with people you enjoy, doing things you enjoy.

• Give yourself permission to be distracted. It is equally important to be kind toward others and tolerant of ways in which their coping needs may differ from yours.

• Avoid real and symbolic tragedy for a while. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the television images, listen to the radio, or avoid news sources altogether. Periodically, you can ask others if there is any significant new information you should know.

• Engage in activities that reaffirm your sense of yourself and others as members of a caring community. Involve yourself in worship and prayer. Join a small group Bible study where you can feel free to explore how God wants us to live with one another.

• Work in a charitable organization within your own community. This can help lessen your feelings of helplessness in the face of so much need.

When you have taken care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually, you can then comfort and assist your children:

• Remain alert to the cues children will give about their thoughts and feelings, so that you can provide ongoing support for them.

“Will there be an earthquake here?” “There could be. We should check our plan for what to do and where to go. Having a plan will help us make sure we have emergency supplies, too”. OR “There are usually no earthquakes where we live. But this is a good reminder that we should have an emergency plan and extra supplies for our family. Let’s make a plan now.”

• Remember that it is important to answer the questions children and youth are actually asking and not the ones you think they are asking.

“Who will take care of those children on TV?” “There are lots of people from all over the world who are helping the people in Haiti and they are making sure that every child will have a place to live, just like you have lots of family and friends who would look after you. Let’s make a list of people who would help our family.”

• Most importantly, you can listen to what children and youth have to say, not only in order to minister to them, but in order to learn from them. In crisis situations children will frequently express what others are afraid to say, or will give voice to emotions adults have hidden, even from themselves. Children and youth, as well as adults, are capable of a profound ministry in the face of tragedy.

“If you were in Haiti now, what help would you want? How do you think our family could be ready for an emergency? How do you think our family can help others?”

It is perhaps one of the most difficult things we do, to let go of our fear. However, in our Christian journey, we are reminded over and over, to trust God. That doesn’t mean we will be spared from tragedy. It doesn’t mean our lives will always be serene and simple. It doesn’t even mean we will always have an easy, peaceful feeling. It does mean that no matter what happens, we know that because of our relationship with God and our place in the Body of Christ, the resources will be there to give us comfort, faith and hope and we will get through it.

And when we have arrived at this knowing, we can be God’s truest and most helpful ambassadors to others.

You can read more about how to respond to frightening and overwhelming events in the free LOGOS Ministry resource “Terror and Tragedy: Responding to Our Children and Youth”. Send your email request directly to patjanssen@thelogosministry.org

Passing the Parenting Test

I remember when each of my babies was placed in my arms, only minutes old. I was overwhelmed with love and with feelings of protection. But by the time I arrived home from the hospital, those feelings were accompanied by a big load of panic. How will I know the right things to do? What if I make a mistake?

I blundered forward and despite myself, my babies grew into smart and spirited children. But of course, I worried about their physical and emotional health, I worried about their education—and I worried about their spiritual life. So I fed them healthy food, encouraged their schooling, and took them to worship and to Sunday School and to LOGOS….

Last week I read this article in Christianity Today “The Myth of the Perfect Parent: Why the best parenting techniques don’t produce Christian children” by Leslie Leyland Fields. * Leslie writes, “Our most consuming concern is that our children “turn out”—that is, that our Christian faith and values are successfully transmitted, and that our children grow up to be churchgoing, God-honoring adults.”

My children have grown up to be wonderful adults with families of their own. Their values and ethics are Christian, they are involved in productive work, enjoy great friendships, but do they have faith? Did I fail parenting?

Leslie says, “The question we ask of ourselves must be reframed. We need to quit asking, ‘Am I parenting successfully?’ And we most certainly need to quit asking, ‘Are others parenting successfully?’ Instead, we need to ask, ‘Am I parenting faithfully? Faithfulness, after all, is God’s highest requirement for us…. Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and, above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God’s grace, our children grow up to become.”

May God help us all to be faithful parents….

*You can read Leslie Leyland Fields’ entire article at http://bit.ly/6ZwdUq

45 Seconds: A Personal Reflection

This morning’s news is filled with reports and images of the devastating earthquake in Haiti. How life in Port-au-Prince changed in 45 seconds!

My first prayers have been filled with intercessions to God for the people of Haiti and for those who will rush to help them.

My second prayers, however, have been completely self-centered and filled with gratefulness that my own personal world is safe.

Is this the same for you? Dear God, how terrible, and phew! So glad this didn’t happen to me?

45 seconds.

Real earthquakes [and other disasters] may give those of us on “safe ground” a chance to have a “soulquake”. Crisis often triggers transcendent experiences in people, but what if we didn’t need a crisis to get our lives right? What if we took 45 seconds every day to ask ourselves:

Am I living in God’s will?
Are my relationships right?
Is my life filled with God’s purpose?

45 seconds…can change your life.

Tooting Your Own Horn

My mother used to say, “if you don’t toot your own horn, no one else will.”

I did not get it then….but I do now. It sounded self-centered, too prideful then, but now I understand the difference: being egocentric, arrogant, conceited about yourself is not the same as understanding God’s purpose for your life, being in touch with your own gifts and abilities, and being open to sharing yourself.

Maybe it would read better if mom had said, “Find the horn God gave you to toot, let your life be pleasing to God, and toot away.”

Judy Comstock, Executive Director of the International Network of Children’s Ministry, has just edited and published “It Worked for Us: Best Practices for Ministry with Children and Families.” I am going to toot Judy’s horn for just a moment: this is a very helpful book containing practical information about children’s ministry from administration to child development to education models to safety, special needs, spiritual formation and finally, volunteers.

One chapter is on Family Ministry, a particular passion at The LOGOS Ministry these days. The chapter begins with reminding us about Deuteronomy 6:4-7, one of my favorite passages and the guiding scripture for our Heartfelt newsletter. The chapter goes on to talk about “providing a model for parents” and about educating, equipping and encouraging parents along the way.

Lots of churches today are struggling with how to provide Biblically-based, healthy worship and ministry opportunities for children and their families, especially if they are experiencing staff and volunteer shortages. Rather than remain in despair and isolation over what our churches cannot do, let’s talk with one another and help each other find ways and means to reach more families for Christ.

I am thinking that churches who have created effective family ministry should be tooting their own horns. What is your church doing for children and families and how is it working?

Toot away!

Merry Christmas!

May the gift of our Lord’s birth bring you joy throughout the year.

Merry Christmas,

The LOGOS Ministry

A Visit from Santa

A Christmas tale just perfect for today:
Late one Christmas Eve, I sank back, tired but content, into my easy chair. The kids were in bed, the gifts were wrapped, the milk and cookies waited by the fireplace for Santa. As I sat back admiring the tree with its decorations, I couldn’t help feeling that something important was missing. It wasn’t long before the tiny twinkling tree lights lulled me to sleep.

I don’t know how long I slept, but all of a sudden I knew that I wasn’t alone. I opened my eyes, and you can imagine my surprise when I saw Santa Claus himself standing next to my Christmas tree. He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot just as the poem described him, but he was not the “jolly old elf” of Christmas legend. The man who stood before me looked sad and disappointed, and there were tears in his eyes.

“Santa, what’s wrong?” I asked, “Why are you crying?”

“It’s the children,” Santa replied sadly.

“But Santa, the children love you,” I said.

“Oh, I know they love me, and they love the gifts I bring them,” Santa said, “but the children of today seem to have somehow missed out on the true spirit of Christmas. It’s not their fault. It’s just that the adults, many of them not having been taught themselves, have forgotten to teach the children.”

“Teach them what?” I asked.

Santa’s kind old face became soft, more gentle. His eyes began to shine with something more than tears. He spoke softly, “Teach the children the true meaning of Christmas. Teach them that the part of Christmas we can see, hear, and touch is much more than meets the eye. Teach them the symbolism behind the customs and traditions of Christmas which we now observe. Teach them what it is they truly represent.”

Santa reached into his bag and pulled out a tiny Christmas tree and set it on my mantle. “Teach them about the Christmas tree. Green is the second color of Christmas. The stately evergreen, with its unchanging color, represents the hope of eternal life in Jesus. Its needles point heavenward as a reminder that mankind’s thoughts should turn heavenward as well.”

Santa reached into his bag again and pulled out a shiny star and placed it at the top of the small tree. “The star was the heavenly sign of promise. God promised a Savior for the world and the star was the sign of the fulfillment of that promise on the night that Jesus Christ was born. Teach the children that God always fulfills His promises, and that wise men still seek Him.”

“Red,” said Santa, “is the first color of Christmas.” “He pulled forth a red ornament for the tiny tree. Red is deep, intense, vivid. It is the color of the life-giving blood that flows through our veins. It is the symbol of God’s greatest gift. Teach the children that Christ gave his life and shed his blood for them that they might have eternal life. When they see the color red, it should remind them of that most wonderful gift.”

Santa found a silver bell in his pack and placed it on the tree. “Just as lost sheep are guided to safety by the sound of the bell, it continues to ring today for all to be guided to the fold. Teach the children to follow the true Shepherd, who gave His life for the sheep.”

Santa placed a candle on the mantle and lit it. The soft glow from its one tiny flame brightened the room. “The glow of the candle represents how people can show their thanks for the gift of God’s son that Christmas Eve long ago. Teach the children to follow in Christ’s foot steps…to go about doing good. Teach them to let their light so shine before people that all may see it and glorify God. This is what is symbolized when the twinkle lights shine on the tree like hundreds of bright, shining candles, each of them representing one of God’s precious children, their light shining for all to see.”

Again Santa reached into his bag and this time he brought forth a tiny red and white striped cane. As he hung it on the tree he spoke softly. “The candy cane is a stick of hard white candy. White to symbolize the virgin birth and sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock the foundation of the church, and the firmness of God’s promises. The candy cane is in the form of a “J” to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to earth. It also represents the Good Shepherd’s crook, which He uses to reach down into the ditches of the world to lift out the fallen lambs who like all sheep, have gone astray. The original candy cane had three small red stripes, which are the stripes of the scourging Jesus received by which we are healed, and a large red stripe that represents the shed blood of Jesus, so that we can have the promise of eternal life.

“Teach these things to the children.”

Santa brought out a beautiful wreath made of fresh, fragrant greenery tied with a bright red bow. “The bow reminds us of the bond of perfection, which is love. The wreath embodies all the good things about Christmas for those with eyes to see and hearts to understand. It contains the colors of red and green and the heaven-turned needles of the evergreen. The bow tells the story of good will towards all and its color reminds us of Christ’s sacrifice. Even its very shape is symbolic, representing eternity and the eternal nature of Christ’s love. It is a circle, without beginning and without end. These are the things you must teach the children.”

I asked, “But where does that leave you, Santa?”

The tears gone now from his eyes, a smile broke over Santa’s face. “Why bless you, my dear,” he laughed, “I’m only a symbol myself. I represent the spirit of family fun and the joy of giving and receiving. If the children are taught these other things, there is no danger that I’ll ever be forgotten.”

“I think I’m beginning to understand.”

“That’s why I came,” said Santa. “You’re an adult. If you don’t teach the children these things, then who will?”

—Author Unknown

The Truth about Christmas

I amused myself recently by giving some of my co-workers a Christmas I.Q. test. All of us are involved in children’s ministry and ought to have aced this simple quiz. But it wasn’t so simple after all, for the instructions to the quiz included answering “according to Scripture”.

The celebration of Christmas is filled with all kinds of mis-information about what really happened the night Jesus was born. Do you really know the truth about Christmas? How many of these questions can you answer, according to Scripture?

As long as Christmas has been celebrated, it has been on December 25.
a) True
b) False

Jesus was delivered in a:
a) Stable
b) Manger
c) Cave
d) Barn
e) Unknown

A manger is a:
a) Stable for domestic animals
b) Wooden hay storage bin
c) Feeding trough
d) Barn

Which animals does the Bible say were present at Jesus’ birth?
a) Cows, sheep, goats
b) Cows, donkeys, sheep
c) Sheep and goats only
d) Miscellaneous barnyard animals
e) Lions, tigers, elephants
f) None of the above

How many angels spoke to the shepherds?
a) One
b) Two
c) A “multitude”
d) None of the above

What “sign” did the angels tell the shepherds to look for?
a) “This way to the baby Jesus”
b) A star over Bethlehem
c) A baby that doesn’t cry
d) A house with a Christmas tree
e) A baby in a stable
f) None of the above

How many wise men came to see Jesus?
a) 1
b) 2
c) 3
d) Unknown

Invite your family to take the Christmas quiz at: http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/pritchard/11623609/

Let this activity spark a lively discussion about the birth of Jesus—and may it enrich your Christmas celebrations. Mostly, let the truth about the birth of Jesus Christ, who came to show us how we are to live with one another, guide your life in the new year!

For more about Advent and Christmas, read the December issue of heartfelt, a free online newsletter for busy families who want support for growing body, mind and spirit.

[Answers to the Christmas quiz in this blog in order: b) False; b) Manger; c) Feeding trough; f) None of the above; a) One; f) None of the above; d) Unknown. How did you do?]

Is Santa Claus Real?

Walking down the main street of my small town last Saturday morning, I joined the crowd of families awaiting the arrival of Santa by horse-drawn wagon with great anticipation! Amidst Christmas carolers, brightly-lighted and highly-decorated Christmas displays in store windows, I noted that there were no nativity scenes or references to the birth of Jesus anywhere. My head has not been in the sand, so I certainly have witnessed the slow but inexorable move toward a holiday that celebrates consumerism, rather than the coming of a Savior.

But I asked myself anyway: why does it seem like young children learn about Santa before they learn about Jesus? Are we poor parents if we perpetuate the myth? Are we corrupted Christians if we allow our young children to believe in Santa Claus?

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend respond to this dilemma in “Raising Great Kids: The Great Santa Debate: What looking forward to Santa will or will not do to your kids.”

Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend advise, “It’s not what children believe about Santa early in life that shapes their view of truth, honesty or trust in what others do. Rather, it’s what parents teach them, enforce with them and model for them about truth and honesty day-to-day. Teach your kids about truthfulness, require honesty from them and properly correct any untruthfulness they display…. That’s the first thing to worry about doing.”

To this advice I add one further step: Christian parents have a moral and spiritual imperative to model and teach their children about how God wants us to live with one another—and that lesson can begin with celebrating the birth of a baby who changed the world: a small helpless baby that set the example for love, respect, faithfulness, and obedience. The birth of Jesus is God’s love made real and Christmas is our opportunity to celebrate God’s love with our children.

So, while your family Christmas traditions may thoughtfully include a mythical Santa Claus, the take-a-way from Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend’s article is, “What’s far more important is to make sure that your child knows the real reason for Christmas, why Jesus came to earth and that he, for sure, is real.”

Amen.

John 3:16 (The Message)
“This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person’s failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him.”

You can read Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend’s whole article at christianitytoday.com

Join our heartfeltparent group at Facebook and join the discussion!

The Cacophony of Christmas Marketing

Oh, the bombardment! Ads in newspapers, commercials on TV. The push to buy your Christmas gifts online. I was in a large city recently where the ubiquitous signs and electronic billboards competed with humans waving signs on street corners and cars pulling mini-trailers with small billboards driving up and down the street. Everywhere I look, it is buy, buy, buy.

As if shopping will fill up the emptiness in us.

At Christmas, as we personally seek to prepare for the coming of Jesus, and in our churches and homes, work at being good role models of this for children, the competition for our attention is fierce.

We want to feel filled with God’s spirit of loving and giving. We want to keep Christmas focused and simple, but how?

Here are five ways to curb materialism in your children and reinforce the real reason for Christmas:

1. Teach kids to question marketing messages
2. Focus on family traditions
3. Teach kids to give of themselves
4. Give gifts with meaning
5. Be a good holiday role model

You can read more about these five steps at: http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/holidays_materialistic.html

Here’s a sixth way: set aside time each day with your children to read from an Advent devotional, or begin reading Luke 1- 2:38, a little each day. Talk about being ready for Jesus, who came to show us the way to care for and live with one another. Invite your children to express themselves about gift-giving. Pray together for the needs of others. Make a plan for helping someone.

Replace the noisiness of Christmas commercialism with your family’s favorite Christmas hymns and songs, and invite everyone to fill themselves up on the joy and excitement that being in relationship with Jesus the Christ brings, the joy and excitement of loving others as Christ loves us.

You can read more about preparing your children for Advent, Christmas and the New Year in the current edition of Heartfelt.